Not a Stud, Not a Babe
by mypseudonym
Summary: When things at Hogwarts get dull, some of the staff decide to cook things up a bit. HGSS FINISHED!
1. Chapter 1: Conspiring

NOT A STUD, NOT A BABE- mypseudonym

All the usual disclaimers apply

Chapter 1: Conspiring

Summer evenings were pretty dull at Hogwarts. Since the destruction of Voldemort 20 years prior, more and more faculty members were leaving for the summer. Those that remained took turns entertaining the aged Headmaster. Albus Dumbledore's favorite past time as of late was gossiping. This made it unbearable for many of the staff members, because he always felt himself qualified to interfere in the lives of others. The cranky Potions Master dreaded spending time with him more than any of them.

On this particular evening, Professors Remus Lupin and Ginny Weasley were sipping tea as the Headmaster chatted away.

"So that's when Pomona slapped him…right there in public." the Headmaster finished. Ginny and Remus nodded and grinned, even though neither of them were paying close enough attention to know who 'he' was or anything leading up to his assault by the Herbology professor.

"Ginny, how is Miss Granger doing? Has she found an interesting new relationship?" the Headmaster asked.

"No sir, not unless she has met someone since I had lunch with her this past weekend." Ginny answered.

"Severus hasn't been seeing anyone either. Wouldn't it be lovely if they two of them would find each other? They'd be perfect together." Albus said. Remus and Ginny looked at each other warily. They both knew that things tended to explode when Severus and Hermione spent too much time together. There was a reason that the two hadn't crossed paths in nearly two decades.

"I know it seems strange, but they've got so much in common, including a desperate need for companionship." Albus exclaimed. Remus and Ginny nodded; the old wizard spoke only truths.

"Albus, even if they could get along, there's no way that the two would meet each other longer than two people passing on the street." Remus reasoned.

"Ah, but we could set them up. Muggles have these things called blind dates where a third party or in this case parties set up two people that they think would make a good couple and the two go on a date."Albus explained. Ginny and Remus exchanged looks again. They were both pondering this strange but fun idea. "Neither of them is getting any younger." Albus said in a sing-song voice, knowing he was succeeding in changing their minds.

"Next Saturday for the date. They'll meet up somewhere if we can figure out where and convince them to go." Remus suggested.

"Excellent, that doesn't give them much time to talk themselves out of it." Ginny schemed, already trying to figure out what she'd say to Hermione.

AN: That's chapter one, short I know, but the story is good. Stick with me and I'll have Chapter 2 up in a jiff.


	2. Chapter 2: Failed Attempts

NOT A STUD, NOT A BABE- mypseudonym

All the usual disclaimers apply.

AN: Sorry this took so long. Between house guests, power trouble, and work, I just haven't had the time to finish it up.

Chapter 2: Trying

Hermione's POV

Hermione Jane Granger sat in an upscale café, staring at her date. Trevor, no…Devin, no….George, was rambling away about something. She didn't really know what he was talking about, but it was obviously something important to him, since he'd been going on about it for half an hour already.

'This is it,' she thought 'I'm officially pronouncing myself single for life. There are no decent single men left- magic or muggle.'

Trevor, her last date, had been 100 muggle. He kept asking Hermione personal questions which, while acceptable, meant that Hermione had to do a great deal of lying. The list of undiscussable topics with Muggle men was large-schooling, work, friends, hobbies other than reading, sports, politics, vacation preferences, favorite foods, and many many more. This guy, George, got a definite no as to future dates. Hermione was grateful to be back in her humble London flat when the whole debacle was over. She took off her uncomfortable dress shoes and walked into her bedroom. Hermione changed into soft yoga pants and a sweatshirt before returning to her living room. Grabbing a can of soda from the refrigerator, Hermione plopped down n the couch beside Crookshanks, her old but faithful half-Kneazle companion. Her younger black cat, Milo, was around the apartment somewhere, probably hunting.

"He was a dud, Crooks. Am I destined to be alone for the rest of my life?" she asked her cat. Crookshanks responded by nudging her hand with his head.

"I guess I'm not old, hardly into middle age by wizarding standards and muggle standards. However, most, if not all, of my peers are married now and starting families of their own. It's not that I particularly want children; I'd just like to have someone there when I get home from work, happy to see me, and someone to spend the weekends with." She said. Crookshanks made a displeased noise. "-other than my wonderful, loyal, feline companions, of course." Hermione added, scratching Crookshanks behind the ears while he purred deeply.

"Well, Mr. Right, if you're still out there, you're going to have to knock on my door when you're ready, because I've had enough of this mindless dating nonsense. You hear me! I'm through!" Hermione announced to no one in particular.

Severus' POV

Severus Snape was not what anyone would call a "people person," unless maybe that person was certifiably insane and had never met the formidable Potions Master. He was the dour Potions Master, bat of the dungeons, greasy git of Hogwarts.

Tonight was different though. Tonight, he had a date. Albus had taken out a personal ad for him for him birthday- if Severus had known, he'd have hexed the old man for merely suggesting it.

Tall, 50-something educated man seeking patient caring woman of any age

Or at least it was something like that. There had been one response to the ad, hence the date. Severus originally had no intention on following up on the letter. Glades Hunchbrook, Merlin, the woman sounded uncouth even by name alone. It was only the Headmaster's threat of blackmail, humiliation, and revocation of research privileges that lead him to the point where he was, changing into fresh robes to meet a woman. Not just any woman, but Glades Hunchbrook, the only woman dim enough to respond to his ad.

Severus wasn't young by any means. He was rather set in his ways and stubborn as a mule, not to mention sarcastic and often downright mean. He was certainly no woman's dream lover, but as much as Severus wanted to, he couldn't bring himself to ruin this date. As horrible as she might be, there were few enough women brave, or perhaps foolish, enough to spend even one evening in romantic company of Severus Snape.

He set out to meet her, Glades, he mentally corrected himself, in Hogsmeade. He walked as casually as he could manage up to Madam Puddifoot's (her choice, certainly not his). He was slightly early, as he had intended. Severus gave the hostess his name and requested a dark, quiet booth near the back. The nervous young hostess eagerly complied, leading him to a dark booth in the back corner of the establishment. He waited, quietly surveying every female who walked in- witch and hag alike.

A nervous little witch, her graying hair pulled back in a tight bun, entered the restaurant at exactly seven o'clock. She spoke briefly with the hostess before being directed back to his booth.

'So this is Glades Hunchbrook.'he thought as the woman perched across the booth from him.

"Hello, you must be Severus. I'm Glades." She said.

"Good evening, Glades." He responded. She trembled slightly as he lighted their table's candle and she got her first look at the Potions Master.

"D-do you like ch-ch-children?"she stammered. Severus momentarily thought it odd that she would skip over all the usual small talk.

"I teach at Hogwarts, as I said in my letter. I am surrounded by children every day for months of the year. An unfortunate result of this is that I despise any child I have to be in the presence of for more than a few moments. Why do you ask?" Severus said. He figured that if she was going to skip straight into the heart of the matter, so would he.

He knew he shouldn't have been so blunt, but no children was a definite requirement for any witch he would spend time with. Unfortunately, most single witches his age were divorced or widowed and came with children or excessive emotional baggage. This was why he was alone.

"Oh, well, it's just that I have 11 children of my own that I simply cannot bear to be away from for more than a couple of hours, and I was hoping to have more. I also thought that, with your being a professor and all, you would be quite qualified to home school all of the children." She said. Severus stared at her, aghast. When he recovered, he was simply dying to flee the scene.

"Well, Ms Hunchbrook, I believe we're finished here. There's no sense in beating around the bush. Please stay; dinner is on me." He said, dropping several coins on the table as he left the horrid establishment. He headed back to the safety of his quarters at Hogwarts and ordered one of his favorite meals from the kitchens.

As he sat in his stone-lined den, eating dinner and feeding morsels to his pet panther, Mortimer, Severus Snape officially cut himself off from the dating pool. He had undergone enough torture in his Death Eater and spy days that it seemed ridiculous to him that he should have to subject himself romantically to women like Glades Hunchbrook. He had resigned himself long ago to the fact that Ms Right just wasn't coming.


	3. Chapter 3:Conniving

NOT A STUD, NOT A BABE- mypseudonym

All the usual disclaimers apply

AN: Okay guys, I told you to give me some time to get settled at school. I'm slowly finding the time to work on this, but my updates will not be every day or every couple of days like they once were, I just don't have that much time.

Chapter 3: Convincing

Ginny and Hermione

Ginny Weasley stepped into the humble flat of her best friend Hermione Granger. To say that the place was a wreck would have been the understatement of the year. Hermione's usually immaculate apartment was in utter disarray. Dirty dishes were scattered about on nearly every flat surface. The television was blaring announcements to an empty room. Hermione's desk was piled so high with parchment that they had spilled off onto the floor around it. It looked as though Milo and Crookshanks had turn up everything. Clothes and shoes were strewn around. Ginny nearly choked on a feather from a pillow that Milo was destroying. Hermione was no where to be seen. With a few waves of her wand, Ginny returned the main room to rights; she wasn't a Charms professor for nothing.

"Hermione, are you here?" she called down the hallway as she cleaned her way to the back of the flat.

"In the bedroom," was the muffled reply. Ginny walked to the bedroom, cleaning up the hall as she went.

"Hermione, what are you doing living in such a sty?" Ginny asked. She found Hermione in her bedroom, hanging upside down off her bed.

"It's awful!" Hermione cried out.

"Well, yes, but it wouldn't be if you'd just spell things clean every now and again." Ginny reprimanded.

"Not that." Hermione snapped.

"Well what then?" Ginny asked, now mildly concerned.

"I'm going to be a decrepit old spinster with a billion cats, yelling at children to get off my lawn." She whined mournfully.

"Well, yes, if you keep this up you will. At the moment, you're still rather young for a witch; you've only two cats, and you have no lawn. Things could still work out in your favor." Ginny said rationally.

"I don't see how! I'm over thirty, and there is no man in my life!" Hermione groaned.

"Excuse me! I'm also over thirty with no man in my life and you don't see me wallowing about in my own filth all day!" Ginny snapped.

"It's different for you Ginny. You've got a career working with children. Working stiffs like me need another person to create the excitement in our lives." Hermione whined again.

"Then you should date people." Ginny reasoned.

"It's no use, Ginny. They're all gone." Hermione noted solemnly, sinking onto her bed full of clothes.

"Who's all gone?" she asked.

"The single men! All the worthwhile single men are taken; they all got taken while I was off getting my mastery in Transfiguration and Potions!" She cried.

"What if they aren't?" Ginny asked, seeing her opening.

"Oh trust me, they are. I've dated every single loser left- wizard and Muggle alike." She said.

"What if I set you up with someone? A single, decent wizard that you would like?" Ginny asked.

"Who are you thinking of Ginny?" Hermione asked.

"No one in particular yet, but I know a lot more wizarding people than you do, so I may be able to find someone that you hadn't even thought of. Just tell me what you're looking for in a man so I'll know him when I see him." Ginny said.

"Well, he needs to be between my age and 150. He should be educated and interesting. He should be sophisticated to some degree. He shouldn't care that I can't talk about work at all." She listed, lying back onto her bed.

"Is that all?" Ginny asked as she jotted down those requirements.

"Ginny, if you could find a man who meets all those requirements, I might marry him on the spot." Hermione said, laughing under her breath.

"Okay, I'll see you later!" Ginny said, hopping up from her place in the room.

"Wait! Where are you going?" Hermione asked, craving not to be alone again.

"Hunting remember? I've got to find a wizard who meets your requirements." She said.

"Okay, good luck with that. Let me know when you give up so that I can go buy more cats." Hermione said, flopping back onto her bed while Ginny scurried from the flat.

Ginny Apparated to Hogsmeade and settled at the Three Broomsticks to await Remus Lupin's arrival.

'That was almost too easy' Ginny thought as she glanced over Hermione's list. She was so pleased that Professor Snape fit so neatly into each and every requirement.

Remus and Severus

Later in the evening, after his discussion with Ginny, Remus made his way to the dungeons to visit the Potions Master. He carried with him a bottle of his favorite mead, knowing that Severus Snape didn't take kindly to uninvited visitors. Remus' relationship with the dour Potions Master had become a friendship over the years, but it was a friendship of Severus' terms. Remus was mildly shocked when he knocked on the door to find an already drunken Potions Master, toting about half a bottle of firewhisky. Remus quietly added the mead to Severus' alcohol stores, knowing he would appreciate it later.

"Did you need something, Remus, or did you just come to watch the fun?" Severus asked bitterly as they sat in silence. The Potions Master's barbed tongue was dulled somewhat by the drink, but not quite as far as Remus had hoped. Severus Snape had questioned his presence sooner than he normally would have, forcing Remus to press onward into murky waters.

"Severus, I'm shocked that you assume I'm here for my own amusement. I was beginning to think we were friends." Remus said, pretending amazement.

"Oh yes Lupin, my world is all sunshine and butterflies when you're around." The dark haired man growled impressively.

"Where's your cat? I don't see him anywhere." Remus asked, hoping to buy more time for the alcohol to kick in. Severus very nearly snorted with subdued laughter.

"If Mortimer weren't asleep right now, he'd probably have your leg for calling him a 'cat'. Mortimer is a domesticated black panther, thank you very much. Now stop trying to change the subject. What do you want from me?" the grouchy man asked.

"Oh now, calm down. I simply wanted to ask how your date went." Remus said innocently. "I assume it didn't go well since it's 10:30 and you're sitting here drinking yourself into oblivion."

"She has 11 children and she wants more, Remus! Even if I wanted to have children, I'm getting a little on in years to chase after them. Imagine, while Harry bloody Potter is off playing catch or something with his son, I'd need mine to help me get up the stairs." Severus said bitterly.

"Oh Severus, you aren't that old." Remus chimed in, doing his best not to smile.

"Even if I did agree to her choices, there's simply no way I could live in a house with so many children needing my attention every moment of every hour of every day. I know that's how her kids would be too; she told me she can hardly bear to be away from them for long, so I'm sure they're all brats."

"You're probably right on that count." Remus conceded, nodding thoughtfully. "Have you given any thought to your next romantic endeavor?" he asked.

"There will be no future romancing on my part. I'm giving up on women. There is no one left that I could tolerate, let alone enjoy the company of."

"Would you be willing to bet on that?" Remus asked slyly.

"What's your game, Lupin?" he sneered as he drained the bottle.

"It's quite simple really, at least on your part. You give me your requirements for a suitable witch, within reason, and I attempt to find one for you. If I can't find someone who meets all of your requirements, I will buy you a case of firewhisky. However, if I do find someone, you have to take her out to dinner and give her a fair chance. Do we have a deal?" He asked, knowing Severus was drunk enough to agree but not drunk enough to forget they'd had this conversation.

"Fine. I'll play your game, but only because I know I'll win."

"Jolly good, now, if you would please tell me what you are looking for in a partner." Remus suggested, pulling a tattered scrap of parchment and a muggle pen from his cloak.

"She must be no less than 30, no more than 70. She mustn't have children! She must be educated, well read, and well mannered. She must be a least passably attractive. She must be witty and mildly sarcastic. She mustn't be needy, clingy, or gold-digging. She must not have emotional baggage extreme enough to merit consultation with a therapist. Finally, and this is an important one, so be sure to write it down, she must NOT have CHILDREN!" Severus bellowed, slamming his bottle down so hard that it shattered on the table.

Remus repaired the glass and looked up at Severus, who had fallen into a drunken stupor after his outburst. Remus pocketed the list and pen and let himself out.

'Everything he described fits Hermione to a tee. I do hope Ginny has had similar luck.' Remus thought as he made his way to the Three Broomsticks to meet Ginny.

Remus and Ginny

When the two met up at the pub, they had a few drinks and chatted about they're new business on the walk back up to the school.

"Well," Remus asked, "how did it go?"

"Better than I expected, actually. I've got a list and he fits all the qualifications. How did your meeting go?" she replied, waving her list.

"I got his list and she seems to fit as well." Remus remarked gleefully. They traded lists and verified their findings. Remus and Ginny carefully set up a date at a fancy Italian restaurant in London- a Muggle one of course so that if worse came to worse, at least the two couldn't hex each other on the spot.

The date was set for the following Friday night. On Monday, the two informed their friends that a suitable candidate had been found. Hermione and Severus were both secretly astonished that their friend has succeeded so quickly where they themselves had long been inadequate.


	4. Chapter 4: Dating

Not a Stud, Not a Babe- my pseudonym

All the usual disclaimers apply

AN: Sorry everyone, I really probably should be shot for how long it takes me to post stuff on here. It's just that I don't have as much time to think about it during the school year. I can't even imagine how bad it would be for a story that I hadn't already written out. Anyway, this is the last chapter, no epilogue, no sequel.

Chapter 4: Meeting

"Ginny! Help!" Hermione cried out from her bedroom. Ginny turned and ran back to the room to find her friend standing in the middle of a room strewn with clothing, a room they had oh so recently cleaned.

"What's wrong, Hermione?" she asked.

"It's time to get dressed and I still don't have a clue what to wear!" Hermione panicked. Her studious nature made her such that she needed to have everything figured out ahead of time. Ginny had come to help her prepare for her date with this 'mysterious' wizard. Ginny had promised to help with her hair and makeup, but Hermione was an utter mess. She'd managed to nearly flood the bathroom when she got distracted while running her bath earlier. She'd been storming about the flat for an hour, doing nothing and everything all at once. Her two cats had long since gone into hiding behind the couch for fear of their own safety.

Ginny strode valiantly up to Hermione's closet, knowing that most of Hermione's wardrobe would not be appropriate for dinner with the professor, especially not when they were trying to woo each other. Ginny pushed her friend aside, forcing her to go sit on the bed while Ginny worked. Ginny dug deep into the closet and came out a few moments later looking triumphant.

"Here, this dress will suit you quite well. You can add this scarf too it if you're self-conscious with this alone. Hermione slid on the dress- a magnificent piece she hadn't worn since her university graduation- and was surprised that it still fit. Hermione looked in the mirror and decided that she looked better in it now than she did over a decade ago.

Ginny fashioned Hermione's hair into a simple bun with tendrils around her face. Into this, she clipped a deep red rose just above Hermione's ear. With a little makeup and a few glowing compliments, Hermione looked absolutely stunning.

Meanwhile, Severus was getting dressed. He wanted to look nice, but not so unlike himself that she would be scared away when she saw him in teaching robes, ready to brave the dangers of a Potions classroom full of incompetent students. He put on a refreshingly simple set of black dress robes and tied his hair back with a thin black ribbon. With that, he grabbed the red rose from his desk and hurried off to his date. For some reason, Severus figured that Lupin was more qualified to choose a date for him than Albus Dumbledore, at the very least. Or perhaps it was the knowledge that he'd either end this evening with a pleasant woman or a lovely case of firewhisky.

Chez Pierre, the Wizarding restaurant chosen for the date, wasn't empty, but it was far from crowded. The maitre d took him to a table near a window. Severus sat down, placed the red rose on the table, and waited. Right on the hour, a stunning woman in a black dress with a red rose pinned to her hair entered the restaurant. She paused just inside the restaurant, clearly looking for someone or waiting for someone. Severus kept his eyes down on the table; he knew from the moment she walked in that she was too young and too pretty to be his date.

"Professor Snape?" the lady questioned, sitting across from him. He nodded. His head shot up as he recognized that voice. He hadn't seen those remarkable hazel eyes in 20 years or more. For the first time ever, Severus Snape really looked at Hermione Granger. The thoughts he had when she was just an anonymous woman outweighed all thoughts of her as a former student, but that didn't mean this would work. Surely she wouldn't be able to look past how horrible he had been as her professor.

"I find it hard to believe that Remus Lupin would set me up with you, Miss Granger." He said, slowly.

"Well, I could say the same thing about Ginny Weasley." She said, nearly laughing, her eyes full of mirth.

"I guess the only thing we can do now is enjoy a nice dinner and assess our incompatibility." Severus said, examining the wine list. With a quick question to Hermione about her wine preferences, he ordered them a bottle of a nice red wine.

When both had ordered and they were sipping their way into the bottle of wine, Severus began the dialogue.

"So, how did you get to this point, Miss Granger?"

"A lot of very unpleasant dates with wizards and muggles alike. The last one was so caught up in work, it was really rather disgusting, especially since he was an accountant." She reported.

"I've had problems the other way. My last date had loads of children already and was looking for more." Severus explained.

"Clearly a woman who took 'Go ye forth and populate the earth' a little too literally." She retorted. They both laughed.

"Exactly, I mean, I don't even want to have children, nor do I want to raise anyone else's." he said after they'd both finished a rich laugh.

"At your age? I'm not surprised. If you had a child today, you'd be, what, 78 by the time he or she entered school?"

"Ugh, don't even get me started on school. I detest discussing work outside of particular environments."

"That's fine with me. If you mentioned work, then I would have to reciprocate, and I'm not allowed to discuss my work." Hermione responded.

"Ahh, and Unspeakable, quite a noble profession I suppose. Is it true that something horrible happens to you if you discuss anything that happens in the office?" he asked.

"I'm not at liberty to say." She responded. They both laughed again.

"So, no work, what about pets? Do you have any pets?" Severus asked.

"I have two cats. Crookshanks I've had since my school years and Milo I adopted about two years ago from a wizarding animal shelter. They were going to put him to sleep the day I went to donate supplies. One look into his beautiful eyes and I took him home with me." She said, "What about you?"

"I've got a black panther named Mortimer who stays with me. Please tell me you don't have kids?"

"Alright, I'll tell you that I'm a future spinster who works a lot and when not working, is sitting alone in her flat with two cats and a stack of periodicals." She responded. He chuckled at her.

"Periodicals you say? Which ones?" he asked.

"Well, The Daily Prophet of course, plus Transfiguration Today, Potions Mastery, The Quibbler which I get for free from Luna Lovegood-Longbottom, you remember her? There's Everyday Charms and Witch Weekly." She listed, counting them off on her long fingers.

"Did you read the article in last month's Potions Mastery about the possibilities involved in using unicorn hair in healing potions?" Severus asked.

"Oh yes, I thought it was a bit outdated a poorly researched, but there could be more to learn in that area of study."

"As did I."

The two continued this conversation easily through salads, entrees, dessert, and another bottle of wine. By that time, they both realized that they were having a really good time.

Remus and Ginny were hiding in a booth across the restaurant watching Hermione and Severus enjoy each other's company.

"Well, do you think it will work?" Ginny asked

"It's too soon to say. You know as well as I do that a very important part of a recipe is to allow the ingredients time to simmer." Remus said. Ginny stifled a giggle at his cooking analogy. It was hard not to laugh loudly, but she didn't want to give them away. Hermione was sure to recognize Ginny's laugh.

"Is that what we've been doing? Cooking?" she whispered.

"Maybe." Remus responded.

"Severus, I know this sounds strange, but I'd like to continue this conversation. Would you like to walk down to The Leaky Cauldron and have some coffee or something?" Hermione asked.

"That would be wonderful, Hermione." Severus said. He paid the bill, and the two walked out of the restaurant arm-in-arm, bound for The Leaky Cauldron, a long night, and maybe something more.

THE END


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